A Symphony of Sorrow

Chapter 11 – Alex’s Inner Monologue (One year Previous)

‘Why does she treat me this way?  I have done nothing to deserve this.  I work hard every day, I’m kind with money, I try my best to please her in bed and yet nothing is ever good enough.  On our anniversaries, I make her unique gifts that are specific, only to her....an obvious act of romance and yet still, she treats me like shit.  I need love, real love...the kind of love that other people seem to have and I cannot find.  I want to feel my stomach in knots when I’m apart from the one that I love; my every waking hour and dreams possessed by her.  Instead I get a feeling of dread when I know that I have to go home to a foul mouthed drunk whose selfishness knows no limits.  I feel as if I will never escape this torment; imprisoned by the high walls of my own despair.  I am the architect of my own destruction; condemning myself to a lonely life of pain and suffering all because I was too afraid to be alone....I’m an idiot.  Sometimes I think that I deserve this hell in which I exist...that I brought it on myself.  Everything that we see in romantic movies are lies....eternal love is nothing more than a piece of fiction created by people who are misleading the truly gullible people of this world.  I give up.  I have been abused for so long now that I have no self esteem left...I feel that the opposite sex could never possibly find me attractive.  She never wanted to fuck me unless she was so bombed out of her head that she could barely string a sentence together; how the hell could you possibly feel attractive when someone has made it perfectly clear, that you’re only ever good enough when they see you through blurred vision.  I despise the weak victim that I have become.  Why did I take her back after she fucked some other guy that she met on holiday...some fucking complete stranger who could have been carrying the AIDS virus....her excuse, she didn’t mean to, she was drunk and yet that’s supposed to make it ok....bullshit.  After she told me about it, I couldn’t get the images out of my mind for years; I imagined this Spanish sex god, bending her over, pulling her skirt up over her hips and fucking her hard from behind...just the way I know she likes it...fucking slut.  She even had no problem telling me that she didn’t only fuck this jerk off once; no she had to have a 12 day booze fuelled affair with him...brilliant.   The funniest part of the story is that she had the audacity to argue with me when I asked her to get tested for STI’s; she ought to be a comedian.  It’s all a big joke....my life is one big fucking joke.  It’s ironic because the first thing people always say when asked what they think of Alex is.....he’s a funny guy, he cracks me up; the irony being that I really am the living embodiment of a joke.  Everyone laughs when I open my mouth, some people saying that I brighten up their every day and yet who’s there to brighten up my day....you guessed it, no one.  Oh I don’t know, I give up.  Where do I go from here?  On many occasions, I have told friends that I cannot find true love no matter how hard I try, that I feel lost and trapped.  My friends always say, you have to have faith, you must have hope....well I can tell you right now, that which I said to them; hope is for fools who believe that life can have a fairy tale ending.  Hope is like a cancer; it starts off small and then starts to grow inside of you until it consumes every part of you, leaving you nothing left except your empty rotting shell.  I know you’re probably thinking that this guy is insane...I’m not insane....I’m just in my own personal hell.

I met someone about a year ago, someone who I see several times a week through my work; from the moment we met, I felt an instant attraction to her, as if all the stars in the sky suddenly moved into alignment just for the two of us.  When our eyes met for the first time, I felt like a lightning bolt had struck me in the chest.  She is so beautiful yet unassuming, hiding behind layers of clothing that cover her long body from head to toe, yet perfect as if created by the gods themselves.  When we chat, I am constantly fixated on her large bright eyes that seem to open up a universe of endless possibilities; her smile would melt even the toughest of steels.  She is perfection personified.  When I fantasise about being with her, I kiss her softly while gently touching her smooth Blonde hair.  I am infatuated by her.  Unfortunately, I do not believe that she feels the same; that somehow she doesn’t think of me in that way....is it because I’m not good looking enough to captivate her; perhaps it is something else.  I have poured my charm into our conversations, letting loose my full comical ability in the hope that perhaps my personality will make her fall in love with me; that perhaps she will see past my rougher exterior to find the real man inside.  Every time we meet, I want her to say something to stop me giving up on her....sadly it just doesn’t seem possible.  It’s been a while now and yet nothing has moved forward and somehow I’m still hanging on in the hope that she will do that which I find impossible to do.  I can’t take another rejection....I’m damaged enough as it is.  A while back, I awoke from a sleep and thought to myself that this is the day that I’m going to tell her how I feel about her; I planned everything with military precision, running every scenario through my head to prevent any potential damage to my already weakening self confidence.  The day started badly and then went downhill from there.  Our chat didn’t go anything like I had planned with me literally falling apart at the seams under the pressure.  I got so close to telling her and then I stopped, back tracked and then folded.  By the time I had left her, she was none the wiser because I was too afraid to take a chance....I’m a coward where women are concerned.  Alexander the Great once said that Fortune favours the bold, a phrase that I have repeatedly ran through my head again and again but still in the end, I failed.  I have come to believe that sometimes the greatest acts of love are the hardest to commit.  Take from that what you want....I know what I mean.  Sadly, I feel like I have only one choice left....to walk away from the situation altogether.  Susan has become both the greatest thing and most destructive thing that has come into my life.  I am haunted by her.  Every time I see her, I just want to be with her...and yet it seems impossible.  I have thought long and hard about everything and I have come to the conclusion that perhaps it’s better to just move away from it all, get a new job; start to gradually remove all memory of her from my mind so that I can suffer less.  I know that I was happier when I was miserable....when all hope was lost.  Susan offers me a kind of false happiness that starts to fade as soon as I turn and walk away from her.....she has become a drug and I am her addict.  I have lost.